CONSCIOUS LIFE SKILLS NEWSLETTER - June 2007
When I meet people from other cultures I know that they too want happiness and do not want suffering, this allows me to see them as brothers and sisters.
Dalai Llama, Tenzin Gyatso
HOW DO YOU CREATE
MORE HAPPINESS IN YOUR LIFE?
WORK LIFE REBALANCE. PART 2
by Frances Todd
c2007 Conscious Life Skills
Part I of 'Work life rebalance' asked you to identify a happy moment in your life and step into this moment in your memory. You were asked to describe what was happening in and around you, and to feel again the happiness of being in the moment.
Here's what some people said about their happy moments
"A happy moment is the moment when the school year ends. I feel a sense of freedom. I've got free time to do what I want to do - go to the movies, time on the computer, etc."
(Joel, 15 years)
"My happy moment at work is when the manager is away. Last Monday was heaven. The manager was away! Everyone relaxed, chatted, and we still got our work done. I know I'm competent, but the manager is always on the lookout for things that go wrong, rather than noticing things that go right. I hear from him when things go wrong. I think he is very critical and this makes me doubt myself."
(Pete, 39 years)
"My happiest moment recently? Yesterday, catching a wave - just me and the wave, no one else, no worries."
(Wave catcher, 45 years)
"I remember a gentle rainy day sitting on a verandah with my companion. The verandah of the coffee shop was high off the ground and I had the sense of sitting in the treetops and being on a par with the birds. The conversation just flowed. I felt really content and peaceful and complete." (Alicia, 50 years)
So, what is happiness?
What becomes clear from the happy moments is that happiness
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takes different forms in different circumstances |
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is a personal experience, defined by the person and the moment to which it belongs |
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is something that comes from inside you |
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is not something that just happens to you but is the result of the ability to reflect on what makes you happy |
If we are to continue to experience what makes us happy, we need to understand that happiness is the result of being able to reflect on the events and relationships in our life. We reflect upon the events and relationships of our individual life to discern the beauty, wisdom and other gifts about our life that are contained within these individual experiences.
Reflecting on events and relationships
Consistently taking time to reflect on the gifts of life is the key to creating more happiness in our life. We can use the time-honoured practice of reflective thinking. Reflective thinking is the process of creating and clarifying the meaning of experience (past or present) in terms of your self (self in relation to self and self in relation to the world).
Reflective thinking involves 3 steps:
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Returning to the experience |
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Attending to the feelings |
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Re-evaluating the experience |
In returning to the experience, you relive the event in your mind or by telling it to other people.
In attending to the feelings, you focus on the positive feelings of the event and what you learnt from it about your self and your life, and remove the negative or obstructing feelings - for example, laughing about an embarrassing incident or some other form of catharsis, either by yourself or with another.
In re-evaluating the experience, you apply what you positively learnt and felt about yourself in the happy moment and plan to apply this understanding and test it out in other areas of your life.
Becoming a reflective thinker
Becoming a reflective thinker in the pursuit of happiness requires you make time in your life for reflecting. Sit undisturbed in a relaxing environment. Reflect on a happy moment first. Then, bring to mind an event relationship or state to which you would like to bring more happiness. You might choose to write your thoughts down. When you are ready, use these questions as a guide:
e
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What are the feelings you have about this event, state or relationship? |
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What do you notice about your body when thinking about this event, state or relationship? |
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What don't you like about yourself and your actions in this moment? |
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What values are important to you in this moment? |
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What do you think the lessons are for you to learn in this event, state or relationship? |
Then, re-evaluate the experience positively:
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What positive feelings do I have about this event, state or relationship? |
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What do you notice about your body when thinking about this experience? |
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What do you like about yourself and your actions in this experience? |
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What values are important to you now? |
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What lessons can you carry forward with you from this experience? |
When the boss is away - an example of reflective thinking
Let's take Pete's happy moment at work when the boss is away and examine it as a practical example of how you can transform an unhappy state and relationship into one that can be viewed more positively.
Last Monday, Pete felt relaxed when the boss was away. In his reflection upon this happy moment, and using the questions as a guide, Pete was able to work out that when his boss is around, he fears criticism. He knows at heart he is competent, but his fear of criticism makes him feel less competent about his ability to do the work. He noticed that his breathing becomes shallower and his body tenses up, especially his shoulders. Pete was able to discern that his beliefs about his competence are directly influenced by what someone else thinks or says to him. If feedback is positive, that makes him feel confident and competent. If feedback is negative, that makes him feel both anxious and angry. He feels anxious because he knows he can do the job, and he feels angry because his anxiety affects his work output, so it seems then that he is actually less competent.
The lesson Pete identified was to find out why he is so affected by what others think about him or why he needs praise to feel good about himself. This may entail working through a childhood memory or earlier experience in which criticism played a role in crippling his positive feelings about what he can do. Right now, Pete needs to affirm appreciating and respecting himself for both his competence and his fear of criticism, because they are feeding off one another.
From a state of inner self acceptance and respect, Pete can relax and investigate the hidden causes behind his fear of criticism, in order to let go of this fear. When he can remain poised and confident in the face of criticism, he creates for longer, a happier state of being at work on any day, not just on the days when the boss is away. He will see more clearly that the boss has problems of his own, which make him choose to give negative feedback. Through reflecting upon his happy moment, Pete's view of work, his relationship with himself and his relationship with his boss is rebalancing more healthily towards Pete feeling happier and knowing what makes him happy.
Seeding more happy moments
By using the Reflective thinking technique and questions to pursue happiness, you will find that a minor shift in your attitude may well have a domino effect on other areas in your life. When you are happier inside, it matters much less where you find yourself, because you will feel happier wherever you are. Be patient and compassionate with your self as you practise the art of discerning the gifts of life in your individual experiences and you will have increased energy to continue creating more happy moments in your life. The end result is - you feel happier for longer!
Happiness is not something that just happens to you. It is more the result of your ability to reflect on what makes you happy. To continue to experience what makes us happy, we can use the time-honoured practice of reflective thinking to engage our body, feelings and mind in the soul’s pursuit of work life rebalance.