c2006-2008
Conscious Life Skills
Coaching
Conscious Life Skills
Coaching
life coaching and counselling
revamp your purpose, your passion, your choices, your power
revamp your purpose, your passion, your choices, your power
Letting go and loving anyway
by Frances Todd
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c2008 F. Todd
Is it possible for you to let go and love anyway in a situation beyond your control and influence? To surrender a dream of what might have been, adjust your desire for the reality of what is, and choose to love anyway?
As Melody Beattie, author and journalist, says, "Letting go doesn't mean we don't care. Letting go doesn't mean we shut down.
Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave."
As Melody Beattie, author and journalist, says, "Letting go doesn't mean we don't care. Letting go doesn't mean we shut down.
Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave."
In a practical way, what letting go means, is that we review our dreams, we take an honest look at our desires, and we see how together dream and desire match the reality we have been creating and which no longer serves our growth and happiness.
The stuff dreams and desires are made of
Dreams are possibilities, a state of mind, the realm of ideas that we have about what we consider significant to achieving our personal happiness.
Desires are feelings of pleasure or satisfaction we get by obtaining a certain outcome with a person, event, ambition or goal. Someone or something is worth our investing our time and energy.
We make our dreams happen through playing out our desires. As long as someone or something is giving us much pleasure and satisfaction, it’s easy to feel love and to feel happy.
When the source of our satisfaction and pleasure doesn’t deliver what we want, need, or are used to expecting and receiving, it can cause pain and frustration. The dream is still there, but the desire is not fulfilled. The situation changes, from our perception, often for the worse. We may find ourselves caught up with negative emotional habits and unnecessary attachments and beliefs.
Does this mean that we give up our dream, rein in, stifle our desire, and shortchange our pursuit of happiness?
The short answer is: No, you do not have to give up your dream
Dreams are possibilities, a state of mind, the realm of ideas that we have about what we consider significant to achieving our personal happiness.
Desires are feelings of pleasure or satisfaction we get by obtaining a certain outcome with a person, event, ambition or goal. Someone or something is worth our investing our time and energy.
We make our dreams happen through playing out our desires. As long as someone or something is giving us much pleasure and satisfaction, it’s easy to feel love and to feel happy.
When the source of our satisfaction and pleasure doesn’t deliver what we want, need, or are used to expecting and receiving, it can cause pain and frustration. The dream is still there, but the desire is not fulfilled. The situation changes, from our perception, often for the worse. We may find ourselves caught up with negative emotional habits and unnecessary attachments and beliefs.
Does this mean that we give up our dream, rein in, stifle our desire, and shortchange our pursuit of happiness?
The short answer is: No, you do not have to give up your dream
What you can do to stay in touch with your dream is to shift your perspective on the dream, as it relates to what’s happening around you and within you. You shift perspective through choosing love and compassion for who you are in equal measure with choosing love and compassion for other people and the situations you are both in.
Let’s look at a couple of scenarios and see how letting go of 'what was' may actually strengthen and reinvigorate the dream through reinterpreting what it means now.
Let’s look at a couple of scenarios and see how letting go of 'what was' may actually strengthen and reinvigorate the dream through reinterpreting what it means now.
Love blues
Sandra found it hard after the relationship breakup with Ian. She spoke about how abruptly he had ended the relationship and about how she felt dismissed and ‘not heard’. This had happened twice in their time together. She wanted to understand why the relationship which had seemed to have so much potential had suddenly failed. But he would not talk to her about it, saying it was in the past. She can still feel the attraction there between them and keeps remembering the good times. She is finding it hard to move on.
Sandra’s dream is to participate in a loving lifelong intimate relationship. Her desire is that it happens with Ian.
But, after a year of living in hope that Ian would change his mind, her frustration reached a critical point. She had dated a few men but ended the dates after the 2nd or 3rd one, especially when Ian heard she was dating, and would then ring her to get together for coffee. Nothing really changed, except her level of frustration, which increased.
Sandra had finally to confront the gap between the dream she had and the reality she was experiencing. She decided that the prospect of a loving lifelong intimate relationship was still central to her happiness, but that it wasn’t going to happen with Ian now, if ever, and that she had serious choices to make about where and with whom she invested her time and energy.
Sandra made a choice to let go off the relationship with Ian. While it tore at her heart to give up the attachment of realizing her dream of intimacy with Ian, she learnt to appreciate what they had brought to each other’s life. Through making a choice to love him for what they had shared, to respect him for where he is on his journey, to choose to continue to love him without being involved, and to honour her own desires as a high priority in her life,
Sandra found it hard after the relationship breakup with Ian. She spoke about how abruptly he had ended the relationship and about how she felt dismissed and ‘not heard’. This had happened twice in their time together. She wanted to understand why the relationship which had seemed to have so much potential had suddenly failed. But he would not talk to her about it, saying it was in the past. She can still feel the attraction there between them and keeps remembering the good times. She is finding it hard to move on.
Sandra’s dream is to participate in a loving lifelong intimate relationship. Her desire is that it happens with Ian.
But, after a year of living in hope that Ian would change his mind, her frustration reached a critical point. She had dated a few men but ended the dates after the 2nd or 3rd one, especially when Ian heard she was dating, and would then ring her to get together for coffee. Nothing really changed, except her level of frustration, which increased.
Sandra had finally to confront the gap between the dream she had and the reality she was experiencing. She decided that the prospect of a loving lifelong intimate relationship was still central to her happiness, but that it wasn’t going to happen with Ian now, if ever, and that she had serious choices to make about where and with whom she invested her time and energy.
Sandra made a choice to let go off the relationship with Ian. While it tore at her heart to give up the attachment of realizing her dream of intimacy with Ian, she learnt to appreciate what they had brought to each other’s life. Through making a choice to love him for what they had shared, to respect him for where he is on his journey, to choose to continue to love him without being involved, and to honour her own desires as a high priority in her life,
Father’s pride and joy
Peter is a 63 year old divorced father, an executive manager who has worked hard all his life and is nearing retirement. His only daughter, Lisa, at 27, and once a promising student at university, is now on a methadone programme as part of a treatment regime for heroin addiction. She is in a long-term relationship and her partner is also in the methadone programme. They often ask Peter for money to help them out with living expenses even as they receive unemployment benefits. He is wondering whether he should keep supporting them in this way as he is nearing retirement and his income will be halved when he does retire.
Peter’s dream is success, both for himself and his daughter, whom he described as a major source of his pride and joy in life. His desire is to create a financially secure, comfortable lifestyle for his retirement years and have his daughter be independent and successful, or ‘wealthy, happy and healthy’.
Peter‘s biggest challenge was to redefine what success meant to him, and how he could then translate this into creating a retirement lifestyle which nurtured both him and his love for his daughter. He had to ask himself: Was his daughter any less of a success because the dream of her becoming a physiotherapist had gone down the tube as a result of her heroin addiction? Does he love her any the less because she had failed somehow? How does his love respond to the struggle and the determination with which she has picked herself up and is moving slowly to a different version of health and wealth as the basis for success and happiness? Does he support her and her partner out of guilt because he feels he failed her as a father? When will it be time for him to set some boundaries about financially supporting his daughter?
What really is health? What really is wealth? What really is happiness?
Peter reconnected to his dream of success through adjusting his take on what success means and feels to him as the person he is now.
For himself, he desires and deserves a financially secure, comfortable lifestyle when he retires. This means that he needs to realistic about his financial affairs. He acknowledges he has provided for his daughter up to and including tertiary study, beyond what is defined in terms of child support. His ability to continue loving his daughter is separate from providing money. At the same time, Peter comes to realize that his daughter is now 23 and must make her own journey through life and take up responsibility for her choices and the consequences they bring. He has even allowed himself to start contemplating the idea of desiring and attracting a loving companion into his life.
Peter explained his situation to Lisa. Surprising to Peter was the fact that Lisa accepted that his financial support would cease and expressed her gratitude for his helping her find her feet again. She also thanked him for the fact that he continued to love her in some of the darkest moments of her life and accepts her for who she is. Lisa now faces a different future to what Peter had imagined for her, yet he could appreciate that success for Lisa is currently involved with healing and taking responsibility for herself in a supported environment. Lisa’s feedback to Peter suggests that she appreciates that her father loves her and respects her ability to take charge of her life.
Letting go and developing the ability to love anyway is perhaps the most rewarding yet most challenging aspect of our journey to love and be loved. To take one small step in this direction and taste the freedom to be yourself and allow others to be themselves is the beginning of a transition into living a new vision for your life and deepening your journey of love.
Peter is a 63 year old divorced father, an executive manager who has worked hard all his life and is nearing retirement. His only daughter, Lisa, at 27, and once a promising student at university, is now on a methadone programme as part of a treatment regime for heroin addiction. She is in a long-term relationship and her partner is also in the methadone programme. They often ask Peter for money to help them out with living expenses even as they receive unemployment benefits. He is wondering whether he should keep supporting them in this way as he is nearing retirement and his income will be halved when he does retire.
Peter’s dream is success, both for himself and his daughter, whom he described as a major source of his pride and joy in life. His desire is to create a financially secure, comfortable lifestyle for his retirement years and have his daughter be independent and successful, or ‘wealthy, happy and healthy’.
Peter‘s biggest challenge was to redefine what success meant to him, and how he could then translate this into creating a retirement lifestyle which nurtured both him and his love for his daughter. He had to ask himself: Was his daughter any less of a success because the dream of her becoming a physiotherapist had gone down the tube as a result of her heroin addiction? Does he love her any the less because she had failed somehow? How does his love respond to the struggle and the determination with which she has picked herself up and is moving slowly to a different version of health and wealth as the basis for success and happiness? Does he support her and her partner out of guilt because he feels he failed her as a father? When will it be time for him to set some boundaries about financially supporting his daughter?
What really is health? What really is wealth? What really is happiness?
Peter reconnected to his dream of success through adjusting his take on what success means and feels to him as the person he is now.
For himself, he desires and deserves a financially secure, comfortable lifestyle when he retires. This means that he needs to realistic about his financial affairs. He acknowledges he has provided for his daughter up to and including tertiary study, beyond what is defined in terms of child support. His ability to continue loving his daughter is separate from providing money. At the same time, Peter comes to realize that his daughter is now 23 and must make her own journey through life and take up responsibility for her choices and the consequences they bring. He has even allowed himself to start contemplating the idea of desiring and attracting a loving companion into his life.
Peter explained his situation to Lisa. Surprising to Peter was the fact that Lisa accepted that his financial support would cease and expressed her gratitude for his helping her find her feet again. She also thanked him for the fact that he continued to love her in some of the darkest moments of her life and accepts her for who she is. Lisa now faces a different future to what Peter had imagined for her, yet he could appreciate that success for Lisa is currently involved with healing and taking responsibility for herself in a supported environment. Lisa’s feedback to Peter suggests that she appreciates that her father loves her and respects her ability to take charge of her life.
Letting go and developing the ability to love anyway is perhaps the most rewarding yet most challenging aspect of our journey to love and be loved. To take one small step in this direction and taste the freedom to be yourself and allow others to be themselves is the beginning of a transition into living a new vision for your life and deepening your journey of love.
Sandra is getting on with her quest to participate in a lifelong loving intimate partnership. She is now going about creating her dream by desiring it in a new and different context.
Revamping her dream involves Sandra doing some disciplined inner work on what she requires in a relationship for her to be happy and to look at how to date in a way that empowers her.. She has started to enjoy dating again, feels more self confident, and can act resolutely to close off a relationship if it is not contributing to her personal happiness.
Revamping her dream involves Sandra doing some disciplined inner work on what she requires in a relationship for her to be happy and to look at how to date in a way that empowers her.. She has started to enjoy dating again, feels more self confident, and can act resolutely to close off a relationship if it is not contributing to her personal happiness.