CONSCIOUS LIFE SKILLS NEWSLETTER - October 2007
You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry.
Relationship quotes
Thinkexist.com
Conscious Life Skills newsletter
No.5, October 2007
Frequency: 6 times per year
Website: http://www.consciouslifeskills.com
Mail to: frances@consciouslifeskills.com
No.5, October 2007
Frequency: 6 times per year
Website: http://www.consciouslifeskills.com
Mail to: frances@consciouslifeskills.com
c2007 Conscious Life Skills
My house of love: Creating successful relationships
Part 2. Building the framework
Understand what relationship is and why you are there
by Frances Todd
Printer friendly version Contact the author
Part 2. Building the framework
Understand what relationship is and why you are there
by Frances Todd
Printer friendly version Contact the author
My house of love: creating successful relationships is a series of four articles about what creates a successful relationship. The series uses the analogy of building a house to create, keep and sustain the love you want. The topics to be covered, include
· 1. Laying foundations: know yourself and what you want,
· 2. Building the framework: understand what relationship is, and why you are there
· 3. Fitting windows: communicating responsively and clearly
· 4. Interior design: committing with head heart and hands to living in relationship
My house of love, Part 2. Understand what relationship is and why you are there takes you back to basics on what relationship is and how it evolves. This understanding applies to relationships in personal, social, business and spiritual contexts.
· 1. Laying foundations: know yourself and what you want,
· 2. Building the framework: understand what relationship is, and why you are there
· 3. Fitting windows: communicating responsively and clearly
· 4. Interior design: committing with head heart and hands to living in relationship
My house of love, Part 2. Understand what relationship is and why you are there takes you back to basics on what relationship is and how it evolves. This understanding applies to relationships in personal, social, business and spiritual contexts.
1. Exactly what is a relationship?
For starters, it involves two people. The intention is that they will share time together. They may even intend to create a future together. Two people sharing time can take many forms - for e.g., friendship, penpals, business partners, lifelong marriage, and traveling companions.
You currently share time with many people in your life. You’ve shared time with quite a few people who are no longer in your life. You’re probably going to meet new people with whom you will spend time.
Our relationships are important to us. They bring us love, respect, companionship and fun, yet they also make us vulnerable to misunderstandings, upsets, miscommunication and breakdowns.
Sometimes when we look back on our relationships, we might see a trend or pattern or rhythm in the relationship that led to our being vulnerable and being hurt, perhaps culminating in the breakdown of a relationship. We also see a trend or pattern or rhythm in the relationship that led to our being happy and positive about life, our self and each other. When you see a trend or rhythm of pattern, you are actually catching a glimpse of the natural evolution of a relationship.
2. How do relationships evolve?
As our bodies go through stages as it ages, so do our relationships go through stages. Having a working knowledge of stages in relationship helps place perspective on what may be happening and helps station the relationship for a longer haul, a bigger picture.
One model of a relationship I find particularly useful is a five-stage one.
For starters, it involves two people. The intention is that they will share time together. They may even intend to create a future together. Two people sharing time can take many forms - for e.g., friendship, penpals, business partners, lifelong marriage, and traveling companions.
You currently share time with many people in your life. You’ve shared time with quite a few people who are no longer in your life. You’re probably going to meet new people with whom you will spend time.
Our relationships are important to us. They bring us love, respect, companionship and fun, yet they also make us vulnerable to misunderstandings, upsets, miscommunication and breakdowns.
Sometimes when we look back on our relationships, we might see a trend or pattern or rhythm in the relationship that led to our being vulnerable and being hurt, perhaps culminating in the breakdown of a relationship. We also see a trend or pattern or rhythm in the relationship that led to our being happy and positive about life, our self and each other. When you see a trend or rhythm of pattern, you are actually catching a glimpse of the natural evolution of a relationship.
2. How do relationships evolve?
As our bodies go through stages as it ages, so do our relationships go through stages. Having a working knowledge of stages in relationship helps place perspective on what may be happening and helps station the relationship for a longer haul, a bigger picture.
One model of a relationship I find particularly useful is a five-stage one.
The five stages of relationship development and evolution are:
attraction, power struggle, cooperation, synergy and completion.
attraction, power struggle, cooperation, synergy and completion.
1. Attraction. In this stage, we are usually fascinated by the other person. We want to know more about them and we want to share more of our selves with them. This is often referred to as the honeymoon stage - the stage we often wish would last forever.
2. Power struggle. At this point, we start to test one another. This can be a difficult stage and many relationships do not progress beyond this point. Unresolved themes surface from our past. They manifest as fears - for e.g., fear of losing control, fear that one is not lovable enough, fear of abandonment. These fears often result in judgments about the other person. This stage is seriously about learning and building trust.
3. Cooperation. Now comes a time where we learn to trust each other and to resolve upsets in a way that mutually satisfies and benefits both of us. We learn to share power, appreciate the uniqueness of the other. Still, there is a lot of self involved here. The bottom line is often: What can I get out of this relationship, rather than, ‘What can we create with this relationship? One person may acquiesce to the other, so as not to rock the boat. The play of power struggle has become more subtle.
4. Synergy. Realization that there is a power greater than you or me, characterizes this stage. Using that power in a committed positive and focused way leads to deeper satisfaction, intimacy and sense of mutual trust, joy, empowerment and appreciation. It is a highly creative stage, for both are committed to growing replenishing and nurturing the higher power they feel they are generating through being with each other.
5. Completion. Completion signifies the end of a relationship and/or changing its form. Four ways of completing relationships are: death, drifting apart, abrupt expulsion, and consciously with loving intent.
Obviously, when someone dies, a relationship is ended here, but, dependent on your spiritual beliefs, time is simply a gap before you meet again after death.
People drift apart for various reasons. It could be a long distance relationship that becomes less sustainable over time; it could be that two people after some years together have stopped communicating with each other.
Abrupt expulsion occurs when one or the other is so upset that they cannot continue on. Usually, it ends up with bad feelings.
Consciously completing, with loving intent, is not about ending the relationship. Rather, it is about changing the form of a relationship - for e.g., parents who divorce will relate more as co-parents. In this kind of partnering, conscious completion is about learning to be aware of your self and the other in terms of building and sustaining respect, caring and dignity. Lovers can become friends, too.
2. Power struggle. At this point, we start to test one another. This can be a difficult stage and many relationships do not progress beyond this point. Unresolved themes surface from our past. They manifest as fears - for e.g., fear of losing control, fear that one is not lovable enough, fear of abandonment. These fears often result in judgments about the other person. This stage is seriously about learning and building trust.
3. Cooperation. Now comes a time where we learn to trust each other and to resolve upsets in a way that mutually satisfies and benefits both of us. We learn to share power, appreciate the uniqueness of the other. Still, there is a lot of self involved here. The bottom line is often: What can I get out of this relationship, rather than, ‘What can we create with this relationship? One person may acquiesce to the other, so as not to rock the boat. The play of power struggle has become more subtle.
4. Synergy. Realization that there is a power greater than you or me, characterizes this stage. Using that power in a committed positive and focused way leads to deeper satisfaction, intimacy and sense of mutual trust, joy, empowerment and appreciation. It is a highly creative stage, for both are committed to growing replenishing and nurturing the higher power they feel they are generating through being with each other.
5. Completion. Completion signifies the end of a relationship and/or changing its form. Four ways of completing relationships are: death, drifting apart, abrupt expulsion, and consciously with loving intent.
Obviously, when someone dies, a relationship is ended here, but, dependent on your spiritual beliefs, time is simply a gap before you meet again after death.
People drift apart for various reasons. It could be a long distance relationship that becomes less sustainable over time; it could be that two people after some years together have stopped communicating with each other.
Abrupt expulsion occurs when one or the other is so upset that they cannot continue on. Usually, it ends up with bad feelings.
Consciously completing, with loving intent, is not about ending the relationship. Rather, it is about changing the form of a relationship - for e.g., parents who divorce will relate more as co-parents. In this kind of partnering, conscious completion is about learning to be aware of your self and the other in terms of building and sustaining respect, caring and dignity. Lovers can become friends, too.
Here’s an exercise for you to do!
Make a list of your top three most important relationships. They do not have to be romantic. Based on what you have read iabout stages in a relationship, ask yourself, for each person: What stage is my relationship with this person? Is it attraction, power struggle, cooperation, synergy, completion? Describe in more detail what is happening in those relationships that make you assess it at a particular stage?
Make a list of your top three most important relationships. They do not have to be romantic. Based on what you have read iabout stages in a relationship, ask yourself, for each person: What stage is my relationship with this person? Is it attraction, power struggle, cooperation, synergy, completion? Describe in more detail what is happening in those relationships that make you assess it at a particular stage?
3. Why am I in relationship?
Some of the reasons people give for being in relationships are:
| · | It's more fun to travel through life with another person |
| · | It's great to share highs, lows, successes and failures with someone who acts as a cheerleader, counselor, mentor, friend, companion, and to act in those roles for another person. |
| · | the power of love is amazing |
| · | my mother stops wondering, 'where did I go wrong?' |
Reasons for being in a relationship are diverse, but underneath the reasons, there are two primary drives or motivations. The two strongest motivations I find that people are drawn together to relate are:
1. We are in relationships to heal ourselves and each other.
2. We are in relationship to experience love in its different forms.
Let me explain these drives or motivations more fully
1. We are in relationships to heal ourselves and each other.
2. We are in relationship to experience love in its different forms.
Let me explain these drives or motivations more fully
1. We are in relationships to heal ourselves and each other.
Healing in relationships is a metaphor for our seeking wholeness and growing ourselves.
We do this by having, satisfying and transforming needs and wants that arise in us. We create relationship so we experience being inclusive of ourselves and larger than ourselves. We are conscious of some of our needs and wants, and unconscious, or not aware, of others. We strive to meet the needs and wants of our partner in an experience that is bigger than ourselves.
The unconscious or hidden needs and wants are the forces at work that often create obstacles in the relationship. These forces originate in childhood experiences that did not perfectly meet our needs and wants for love and nurturing. We develop or adapt behaviours to minimize or maximize a sense of connection and joy, which is actually our original creative state of being. Unmet or stifled needs as a child may come across as adult expressions of feeling wounded and afraid and limiting beliefs of ‘can’t and won’t, ‘should’ and ‘must’, resulting in behaviour that is in sync with the unexpressed and disowned parts of our selves and shows up as behaviour we term or feel is negative or repetitive and emotion-laden.
Would it surprise you to know that, when we as adults are in relationship, we act as a mirror for each other? There is never anything going on that does not contain a life lesson for each partner, no part of our being that does not register a discordance when a need within the relationship is not being acknowledged or met, no part of our being, that fails to register joy and fulfillment when truly connecting with each other’s needs and wants.
By becoming more conscious of our needs and wants, and our partner’s needs and want, and communicating these in a safe and respectful way to each other, we co-create the healing opportunity for wholeness.
Healing in relationships is a metaphor for our seeking wholeness and growing ourselves.
We do this by having, satisfying and transforming needs and wants that arise in us. We create relationship so we experience being inclusive of ourselves and larger than ourselves. We are conscious of some of our needs and wants, and unconscious, or not aware, of others. We strive to meet the needs and wants of our partner in an experience that is bigger than ourselves.
The unconscious or hidden needs and wants are the forces at work that often create obstacles in the relationship. These forces originate in childhood experiences that did not perfectly meet our needs and wants for love and nurturing. We develop or adapt behaviours to minimize or maximize a sense of connection and joy, which is actually our original creative state of being. Unmet or stifled needs as a child may come across as adult expressions of feeling wounded and afraid and limiting beliefs of ‘can’t and won’t, ‘should’ and ‘must’, resulting in behaviour that is in sync with the unexpressed and disowned parts of our selves and shows up as behaviour we term or feel is negative or repetitive and emotion-laden.
Would it surprise you to know that, when we as adults are in relationship, we act as a mirror for each other? There is never anything going on that does not contain a life lesson for each partner, no part of our being that does not register a discordance when a need within the relationship is not being acknowledged or met, no part of our being, that fails to register joy and fulfillment when truly connecting with each other’s needs and wants.
By becoming more conscious of our needs and wants, and our partner’s needs and want, and communicating these in a safe and respectful way to each other, we co-create the healing opportunity for wholeness.
2. We are in relationship to experience love in its different forms
We experience love and its different forms by experiencing ourselves in different roles - as parents, as friends, as lovers, as husband and wife, as partner, as son, daughter, brother and sister - and in a variety of social settings - home and family, work and leisure. We experience love through the myriad of thoughts and feelings and actions in connecting with others through our roles in different settings.
Experiencing love is a process of maturation, similar to the way the body changes from birth to puberty through to old age. This process is generally called relational maturity. Experiencing love as relational maturity is a call to pay attention to the nature of our needs and wants, and to balance these with others’ needs and wants, to create harmony - over time, and in different stages of our lifespan. We are part of Nature and Nature’s natural drive is towards expression of harmony and balance. Love needs to be broad as well as deep, universal as well as individual, to sustain this network we call life.
Sounds so simple, doesn’t it, and it can be, but often proves difficult, since we are part of the push and pull of the network of life, not outside of it.
We experience love and its different forms by experiencing ourselves in different roles - as parents, as friends, as lovers, as husband and wife, as partner, as son, daughter, brother and sister - and in a variety of social settings - home and family, work and leisure. We experience love through the myriad of thoughts and feelings and actions in connecting with others through our roles in different settings.
Experiencing love is a process of maturation, similar to the way the body changes from birth to puberty through to old age. This process is generally called relational maturity. Experiencing love as relational maturity is a call to pay attention to the nature of our needs and wants, and to balance these with others’ needs and wants, to create harmony - over time, and in different stages of our lifespan. We are part of Nature and Nature’s natural drive is towards expression of harmony and balance. Love needs to be broad as well as deep, universal as well as individual, to sustain this network we call life.
Sounds so simple, doesn’t it, and it can be, but often proves difficult, since we are part of the push and pull of the network of life, not outside of it.
ARE YOU
Intrigued to discover more about the health of your relationship?
Stuck in the power struggle stage?
Ready to take your relationship to the next level, but not sure how?
Register for a complimentary coaching session as a first step to your being more successful and moving forward in loving, the way you really want to love and to be loved
Intrigued to discover more about the health of your relationship?
Stuck in the power struggle stage?
Ready to take your relationship to the next level, but not sure how?
Register for a complimentary coaching session as a first step to your being more successful and moving forward in loving, the way you really want to love and to be loved