CONSCIOUS LIFE SKILLS NEWSLETTER - December 2007
"We live on our own solitary islands of reality, absorbed in and fascinated by our own points of view. Frequently we reach out to one another seeking to understand or be understood. The bridge between our separate realities is communication . . . To communicate is to relate."
Layne and Paul Cutright, Straight From the Heart
Layne and Paul Cutright, Straight From the Heart
Conscious Life Skills newsletter
No.6, December 2007
Frequency: 6 times per year
Website: http://www.consciouslifeskills.com
Mail to: frances@consciouslifeskills.com
No.6, December 2007
Frequency: 6 times per year
Website: http://www.consciouslifeskills.com
Mail to: frances@consciouslifeskills.com
c2007 Conscious Life Skills
My house of love: Creating successful relationships
Part 3. Fitting windows
Communicating clearly and responsively
by Frances Todd
Printer friendly version Contact the author
Part 3. Fitting windows
Communicating clearly and responsively
by Frances Todd
Printer friendly version Contact the author
My house of love: creating successful relationships is a series of four articles about what creates a successful relationship. The series uses the analogy of building a house to create, keep and sustain the love you want. The topics to be covered, include
· 1. Laying foundations: know yourself and what you want,
· 2. Building the framework: understand what relationship is, and why you are there
· 3. Fitting windows: communicating responsively and clearly
· 4. Interior design: committing with head heart and hands to living in relationship
My house of love, Part 3. Communicating responsively and clearly looks at the three skills of Conscious Intention, Deep Listening and Kind speech as a basis for high level communication in relationships.
In a house, a window lets in light and air, so we can see, breathe and regulate the ambient temperature. When the window panes are clean, they allow us to see in from the outside, and also allow us to see out from the inside - in short, they provide us with a clear view. A dusty window masks our view, making it harder to identify and distinguish between what's out there.
· 1. Laying foundations: know yourself and what you want,
· 2. Building the framework: understand what relationship is, and why you are there
· 3. Fitting windows: communicating responsively and clearly
· 4. Interior design: committing with head heart and hands to living in relationship
My house of love, Part 3. Communicating responsively and clearly looks at the three skills of Conscious Intention, Deep Listening and Kind speech as a basis for high level communication in relationships.
In a house, a window lets in light and air, so we can see, breathe and regulate the ambient temperature. When the window panes are clean, they allow us to see in from the outside, and also allow us to see out from the inside - in short, they provide us with a clear view. A dusty window masks our view, making it harder to identify and distinguish between what's out there.
How does each skill assist in communicating responsively and clearly?
The three skills are
Conscious Intention invites clarity into your communication. Deep Listening invites responsiveness into your communication. Kind Speech combines both clarity and responsiveness in your communication.
The three skills are
Conscious Intention invites clarity into your communication. Deep Listening invites responsiveness into your communication. Kind Speech combines both clarity and responsiveness in your communication.
IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO DO MORE IN-DEPTH WORK ON
STRENGTHENING YOUR LISTENING SKILLS
UNDERSTANDING YOUR COMMUNICATION STYLE
IMPROVING YOUR INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION
Register for a complimentary coaching session
STRENGTHENING YOUR LISTENING SKILLS
UNDERSTANDING YOUR COMMUNICATION STYLE
IMPROVING YOUR INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION
Register for a complimentary coaching session
When we communicate, we are doing two things: we are giving information about our needs, desires, perception, knowledge or emotional state and we are receiving information about another’s needs, desires, perception, knowledge or emotional state. Whenever we communicate, we are creating a window into the world of our selves and our relationships. We are viewing the other person and letting them view us.
How do we know when our communication is clear and responsive?
When we find it easy to communicate with someone, we feel open and welcoming. Words flow, we exchange our thoughts ideas and feelings, and rapport grows - understanding occurs, mutuality grows. Communication flow is clear and responsive.
When we find it difficult to communicate with someone, we may feel wary and distant. We may scramble for words, may phrase things awkwardly, or choose to hide what we truly think and feel, and rapport drops - misunderstanding may occur. Communication flow can be described as murky and reactive.
You may think that there are different skills you are employing when you find it easy to communicate with Janice while you find it difficult to communicate with Bob. In essence, you are employing the same set of skills with different levels of mastery in your daily speech acts which consist mostly of: greeting and recognition, making requests, declining requests, making promises, making apologies, expressing acknowledgement and appreciation. The words we use and how we say the words - our tone of voice, inflection, volume, and body language - convey a lot of the meaning in our communication. Tone, inflection, volume, and body language give ‘feeling’ to communication. They are the energy with which our words are received and heard by the other person.
How do we know when our communication is clear and responsive?
When we find it easy to communicate with someone, we feel open and welcoming. Words flow, we exchange our thoughts ideas and feelings, and rapport grows - understanding occurs, mutuality grows. Communication flow is clear and responsive.
When we find it difficult to communicate with someone, we may feel wary and distant. We may scramble for words, may phrase things awkwardly, or choose to hide what we truly think and feel, and rapport drops - misunderstanding may occur. Communication flow can be described as murky and reactive.
You may think that there are different skills you are employing when you find it easy to communicate with Janice while you find it difficult to communicate with Bob. In essence, you are employing the same set of skills with different levels of mastery in your daily speech acts which consist mostly of: greeting and recognition, making requests, declining requests, making promises, making apologies, expressing acknowledgement and appreciation. The words we use and how we say the words - our tone of voice, inflection, volume, and body language - convey a lot of the meaning in our communication. Tone, inflection, volume, and body language give ‘feeling’ to communication. They are the energy with which our words are received and heard by the other person.
| · | Conscious Intention |
| · | Deep Listening |
| · | Kind speech |
Conscious Intention
Your intention, or purpose in communicating, whether conscious or unconscious, is what gets you results in your communication with others. Your intention or purpose is what colours the energy driving your words, the energy to which others respond. When you become more aware about your intent or purpose in communicating, you are clearer in what you say and why. For this clarity to happen, your intent needs to be aligned with what you feel and what you believe - and this calls for working on your self -awareness levels.
Having a clear intention does not mean you should say everything that’s on your mind. Rather, it means being clear in your understanding about where you’re coming from. There are also skills in choosing right words and appropriate tones in a particular situation. Let’s look an example.
You are solution-focused in a situation in which the other is highly emotional. You see what’s happening as a problem to solve. The other person is having a reaction to the situation, a venting of strong emotion. When you are solution-focused, your words may come across as factual and without feeling, which may serve only to fan the flame of the emotions. You would want to choose some words and tones that validate the other person, no matter what emotional state they’re in. You will need to establish a feeling connection here through the use of feeling words and statements that acknowledge the other’s sense of person is valued, even though you might not agree with their behaviour.
Your intention, or purpose in communicating, whether conscious or unconscious, is what gets you results in your communication with others. Your intention or purpose is what colours the energy driving your words, the energy to which others respond. When you become more aware about your intent or purpose in communicating, you are clearer in what you say and why. For this clarity to happen, your intent needs to be aligned with what you feel and what you believe - and this calls for working on your self -awareness levels.
Having a clear intention does not mean you should say everything that’s on your mind. Rather, it means being clear in your understanding about where you’re coming from. There are also skills in choosing right words and appropriate tones in a particular situation. Let’s look an example.
You are solution-focused in a situation in which the other is highly emotional. You see what’s happening as a problem to solve. The other person is having a reaction to the situation, a venting of strong emotion. When you are solution-focused, your words may come across as factual and without feeling, which may serve only to fan the flame of the emotions. You would want to choose some words and tones that validate the other person, no matter what emotional state they’re in. You will need to establish a feeling connection here through the use of feeling words and statements that acknowledge the other’s sense of person is valued, even though you might not agree with their behaviour.
Deep Listening
Did you know 80% of effective communication involves listening?
In any conversation, you need to factor in awareness of the other person in the process, as well as being aware of yourself. You can influence the quality of a conversation by how you listen.
One of the gifts you can bring to a conversation is to give the other your complete and undivided attention while they are speaking to you and leave your agenda alone. Give them time to finish, show them you value what they think. This kind of deep listening has a positive affect on the other’s sense of self esteem and their sense of self worth. They feel heard and they feel supported. They are more likely to be open to responding helpfully in a way that supports you and manifests the results you want. They feel more secure and safer in opening up to trust and love. In turn, you learn to be more composed and caring in the exchange which allows you to open up to more trust and love, too. You adjust the ambient temperature of your exchange to one of increasing warmth.
Deep listening skills often facilitate mutual growth and caring as you work through disagreements and misunderstanding. As new information comes into light, you may find that your original intent changes somewhat and evolves, enlarging the window on your self and your relationship that is more fulfilling and rewarding in a way not previously imagined.
Did you know 80% of effective communication involves listening?
In any conversation, you need to factor in awareness of the other person in the process, as well as being aware of yourself. You can influence the quality of a conversation by how you listen.
One of the gifts you can bring to a conversation is to give the other your complete and undivided attention while they are speaking to you and leave your agenda alone. Give them time to finish, show them you value what they think. This kind of deep listening has a positive affect on the other’s sense of self esteem and their sense of self worth. They feel heard and they feel supported. They are more likely to be open to responding helpfully in a way that supports you and manifests the results you want. They feel more secure and safer in opening up to trust and love. In turn, you learn to be more composed and caring in the exchange which allows you to open up to more trust and love, too. You adjust the ambient temperature of your exchange to one of increasing warmth.
Deep listening skills often facilitate mutual growth and caring as you work through disagreements and misunderstanding. As new information comes into light, you may find that your original intent changes somewhat and evolves, enlarging the window on your self and your relationship that is more fulfilling and rewarding in a way not previously imagined.
Kind speech
Speaking with kindness is speaking that gives a person a chance to grow, and you a chance to know. It is not speech that ingratiates you with someone, or acquires a favour through fawning or flattering It is speech that is based on compassion, a recognition that everyone is doing the best they can with where they find themselves.
Avoiding gossip both negative and positive is a solid starting point for kind speech. This means generally not talking about people or talking behind their backs, but speaking directly to them. Sometimes this is called no third party information. If you are irritated or having a problem with someone or even when you have something positive to express, the practice is to speak directly with the person involved, not to talk about it to someone else. Where there is a need to talk about the situation with someone else, let it be about an aspect of the situation and not the person.
Another way to work with kind speech is to try to express your feelings or experience in such a way that doesn't assign blame or judgement. For example, instead of saying something like, "you made me angry" or "you made me angry" or "that makes me angry or sad or depressed or whatever" - which almost carries the assumption that whatever was done, was done with the intention of making you feel a certain way - this can be expressed as, "when you do such and such or when such and such happens, I feel hurt or angry" which communicates how you are feeling. This way you can express what you are experiencing without holding others responsible for your state of mind. When we are able to do this, something shifts - there is a kind of independence from our emotional states. They are still there but not so dominating because their source no longer seems like something external or outside our control.
Speaking with kindness is speaking that gives a person a chance to grow, and you a chance to know. It is not speech that ingratiates you with someone, or acquires a favour through fawning or flattering It is speech that is based on compassion, a recognition that everyone is doing the best they can with where they find themselves.
Avoiding gossip both negative and positive is a solid starting point for kind speech. This means generally not talking about people or talking behind their backs, but speaking directly to them. Sometimes this is called no third party information. If you are irritated or having a problem with someone or even when you have something positive to express, the practice is to speak directly with the person involved, not to talk about it to someone else. Where there is a need to talk about the situation with someone else, let it be about an aspect of the situation and not the person.
Another way to work with kind speech is to try to express your feelings or experience in such a way that doesn't assign blame or judgement. For example, instead of saying something like, "you made me angry" or "you made me angry" or "that makes me angry or sad or depressed or whatever" - which almost carries the assumption that whatever was done, was done with the intention of making you feel a certain way - this can be expressed as, "when you do such and such or when such and such happens, I feel hurt or angry" which communicates how you are feeling. This way you can express what you are experiencing without holding others responsible for your state of mind. When we are able to do this, something shifts - there is a kind of independence from our emotional states. They are still there but not so dominating because their source no longer seems like something external or outside our control.
Hope you’ve enjoyed this article on communication. If you want to find out more about your communication skills and style, there are many communication skills quizzes available on the Internet.
Some are free, some will deliver a full report for a price. These quizzes and reports may help to pinpoint more specifically your areas of strengths and your areas of challenge in interpersonal communication. Remember to look at these results objectively and as a general guide only. They don’t know you and your life experiences, or recognize that strengths in one context, business, may be an area of challenge in relationships in another context, private life. If the results of the test do not resonate with you, then either disregard them, or put them to the test by observing your self interacting over the next week.
Here’s a couple of links to free quizzes
Your communication style
from SpeakSTRONG author and coach, Meryl Runion
Your level of interpersonal communication skills
from Psychology today (extract report free; full report provided at a cost)
Some are free, some will deliver a full report for a price. These quizzes and reports may help to pinpoint more specifically your areas of strengths and your areas of challenge in interpersonal communication. Remember to look at these results objectively and as a general guide only. They don’t know you and your life experiences, or recognize that strengths in one context, business, may be an area of challenge in relationships in another context, private life. If the results of the test do not resonate with you, then either disregard them, or put them to the test by observing your self interacting over the next week.
Here’s a couple of links to free quizzes
Your communication style
from SpeakSTRONG author and coach, Meryl Runion
Your level of interpersonal communication skills
from Psychology today (extract report free; full report provided at a cost)