CONSCIOUS LIFE SKILLS NEWSLETTER - February 2008
When you make a commitment to a relationship, you invest your attention and energy in it more profoundly because you now experience ownership of that relationship.
Barbara de Angelis
American researcher on relationships and personal growth
Barbara de Angelis
American researcher on relationships and personal growth
Conscious Life Skills newsletter
No.7, February 2008
Frequency: 6 times per year
Website: http://www.consciouslifeskills.com
Mail to: frances@consciouslifeskills.com
No.7, February 2008
Frequency: 6 times per year
Website: http://www.consciouslifeskills.com
Mail to: frances@consciouslifeskills.com
c2008 Conscious Life Skills
My house of love: Creating successful relationships
Part 4. Interior design
Committing with head heart and hands in relationship
by Frances Todd
Printer friendly version Contact the author
Part 4. Interior design
Committing with head heart and hands in relationship
by Frances Todd
Printer friendly version Contact the author
My house of love: creating successful relationships is a series of four articles about what creates a successful relationship. The series uses the analogy of building a house to create, keep and sustain the love you want. The topics to be covered, include
· 1. Laying foundations: know yourself and what you want,
· 2. Building the framework: understand what relationship is, and why you are there
· 3. Fitting windows: communicating responsively and clearly
· 4. Interior design: committing with head heart and hands to living in relationship
My house of love, Part 4. Committing with head heart and hands in relationship looks at what commitment means, how to tell whether or not a relationship is committed, and what questions to ask yourself about your idea and experience of commitment.
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· 1. Laying foundations: know yourself and what you want,
· 2. Building the framework: understand what relationship is, and why you are there
· 3. Fitting windows: communicating responsively and clearly
· 4. Interior design: committing with head heart and hands to living in relationship
My house of love, Part 4. Committing with head heart and hands in relationship looks at what commitment means, how to tell whether or not a relationship is committed, and what questions to ask yourself about your idea and experience of commitment.
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Are you wondering why your relationships fizzle out at the point of commitment?
Are you afraid of commitment yet find you want love in your life?
Why not register for a complimentary coaching session to explore more about what commitment means to you and how you can make it work for you!
Are you afraid of commitment yet find you want love in your life?
Why not register for a complimentary coaching session to explore more about what commitment means to you and how you can make it work for you!
Interior design is the process of styling your home by shaping the experience of space, and the factors that influence the functionality, effectiveness and safety of a space. In the context of relationship success, interior design means shaping your experience in relationship through understanding how the you and me in relationship make the us of a relationship. A relationship will thrive and grow, be described and experienced as committed only when each person in the relationship can effectively align and share their thinking (head), feeling (heart) and doing (hands) about themselves, their partner and their take on where the relationship is going.
What is commitment?
A definition of commitment that is clear concise contemporary and practical is one offered by David Steele, from the Relationship Coaching Institute. * He describes commitment as both a FACT demonstrated by events and actions, and an ATTITUDE consisting of thoughts and beliefs. Using the analogy of interior decoration for ‘My house of love’, FACT equals hands or doing, and ATTITUDE equals head and heart. When you ask yourself, 'What does my head say? What is my heart feeling? What am I prepared to do (hands), you are exploring how commitment presents in your relationship and what levels of commitment may be present.
When is a relationship committed?
Describing when a relationship is committed is often met with confusion.
Let’s look at a couple of situations, bearing in mind that commitment in relationships takes on many hues and varied forms.
When you are married, you are clearly in committed relationships-clearly, in a legal sense, because you have a legal contract and probably public confirmation of your tie, through a certificate and photos of a ceremony witnessed by others. But, you can also be married with one or other of the partner not committed in attitude (settling for less, because of a fear of being alone).
When you are co-habiting, or dating seriously, you may be exclusive with one another, testing waters, with commitment as a long-term goal. Your friends and family see and interact with you as a couple, but it is not yet formalized. The status of your relationship may be that you are trying the relationship out quite consciously - are you the right one for me? One partner may also be focused more on commitment than the other. This could be termed a pre-committed relationship.
For a relationship to be fully committed, an alignment of fact and attitude, or head, heart and hands is needed. Steele proposes 3 criterion for the fact of commitment*
| · | Promises made to each other about the permanent nature of the relationship are kept |
| · | Explicit, formal, public declaration |
| · | Unambiguous to partners and others |
When is a relationship not committed?
If you answer yes to these questions, then the relationship may be assessed as not committed.
If you answer yes to these questions, then the relationship may be assessed as not committed.
| · | Is your partner unaware you are committed? |
| · | Are you wondering if your relationship is committed? |
| · | Do you and your partner have differences of opinion about the status of your relationship? |
| · | Do your family and friends have different perceptions about the status of your relationship? |
| · | Have you and your partner yet to act explicitly to formalize your commitment in some way? |
| · | Do you rely on verbal promises that have over time not been kept? |
Is commitment the goal in relationship building?
That depends on you and what you want from your relationships. For a long-term successful relationship, commitment is both the journey and the goal. When things get tough, you work with each other to work it through and do not exit readily.
Commitment is something you grow over time, as two people find out more about each other, especially when you move into the power struggle stages in evolving your relationships. It is commitment that takes you beyond this level to the next stage of cooperation and maturity in building and sustaining longer-term success in your relationships.
What does commitment mean to you?
When I commented to some friends that commitment is something you do over time, one witty response was: Yeah, commitment is doing time! Another saw it as walking together and sharing physically and emotionally.
What does commitment mean to you? Here are some questions for reflection, along with a gentle hint - Get very specific in your answers; and you may find the interior design for your house of love is potentially more functional spacious and fulfilling for creating a better relationship than you thought possible
Questions for reflection
That depends on you and what you want from your relationships. For a long-term successful relationship, commitment is both the journey and the goal. When things get tough, you work with each other to work it through and do not exit readily.
Commitment is something you grow over time, as two people find out more about each other, especially when you move into the power struggle stages in evolving your relationships. It is commitment that takes you beyond this level to the next stage of cooperation and maturity in building and sustaining longer-term success in your relationships.
What does commitment mean to you?
When I commented to some friends that commitment is something you do over time, one witty response was: Yeah, commitment is doing time! Another saw it as walking together and sharing physically and emotionally.
What does commitment mean to you? Here are some questions for reflection, along with a gentle hint - Get very specific in your answers; and you may find the interior design for your house of love is potentially more functional spacious and fulfilling for creating a better relationship than you thought possible
Questions for reflection
| · | Is commitment something you’re prepared to do time for in your relationship? |
| · | What has been your experience of commitment in an intimate relationship? |
| · | How would you like to experience commitment differently in your relationship? |
| · | How do you express commitment in an intimate relationship? |
| · | How would you like to express commitment differently in your relationship? |
| · | How willing are you to put your needs on hold when your significant other goes through a tough patch? |
| · | What changes in beliefs, feelings and actions are you willing to cultivate so commitment may grow and/or be renewed and re-energised? |
| · | Is commitment something you need to discuss more with your current partner, or something to re-evaluate after coming out of a relationship? |
Some practical and fun resources
Commmitment readiness quiz
Are you commitment-phobic?
References
1. Steele, David. 'What is commitment in relationships?' Ezine articles< http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=David_Steele> viewed @ 23/12/2007.