CONSCIOUS LIFE SKILLS NEWSLETTER - December 2007
Listen or thy tongue will keep thee deaf
Indian proverb
Indian proverb
Conscious Life Skills newsletter
No.6, December 2007
Frequency: 6 times per year
Website: http://www.consciouslifeskills.com
Mail to: frances@consciouslifeskills.com
No.6, December 2007
Frequency: 6 times per year
Website: http://www.consciouslifeskills.com
Mail to: frances@consciouslifeskills.com
c2007 Conscious Life Skills
Self coaching tip
When to listen and when to stop talking?
When listening to another person during a conversation, we often find it difficult to wait before starting to talk about our interests. Research by Goodman and Esterly (The talk book: the intimate science of communicating in close relationships, 1988) shows that the person not talking usually starts talking about nine-tenths of a second after the other person stops. Combine this statistic that about 2% of us know the activity of acknowledging the talker's communication, and we can often shut down a conversation before it really takes off. How can we concentrate more on listening and do less talking?
Try these listening exercises over the coming week. They can help raise your awareness of the option to listen.
When to listen and when to stop talking?
When listening to another person during a conversation, we often find it difficult to wait before starting to talk about our interests. Research by Goodman and Esterly (The talk book: the intimate science of communicating in close relationships, 1988) shows that the person not talking usually starts talking about nine-tenths of a second after the other person stops. Combine this statistic that about 2% of us know the activity of acknowledging the talker's communication, and we can often shut down a conversation before it really takes off. How can we concentrate more on listening and do less talking?
Try these listening exercises over the coming week. They can help raise your awareness of the option to listen.
Taking Turns Talking Plus Summarizing. Find a partner. Set a timer for 90 seconds and have your partner talk about any subject. You listen without interrupting. When the timer beeps, he stops talking and you summarize his words. He and you describe and discuss your exercise experiences. Reverse roles and repeat the exercise.
You may be surprised to find yourself struggling to wait for the beep before you talk. This discovery could strengthen your motivation to control the urge to talk.
Another benefit of this exercise is that when you agree to summarize, you are likely to pay more attention to the other person's words than you would pay during your usual conversations.
You may be surprised to find yourself struggling to wait for the beep before you talk. This discovery could strengthen your motivation to control the urge to talk.
Another benefit of this exercise is that when you agree to summarize, you are likely to pay more attention to the other person's words than you would pay during your usual conversations.
No Partner: Listening Only. The next time you are listening and find yourself ready to talk about your interests, but the talker has not paused, continue listening. If she has paused, wait two or three seconds. If she resumes talking, continue listening. If she does not resume, talk.
The reason for waiting is that the talker might be pausing to organize her thoughts before continuing to talk.
No Partner: Listening Plus Summarizing. When the talker pauses for more than two or three seconds and you are ready to talk about your interests, summarize instead. If he resumes talking, continue listening. If he does not resume, talk.
The talker may feel encouraged to continue talking after knowing you understood his words. Or he may pause because he is not sure you want to hear more but is reluctant to ask. However, when you summarize his words instead of talk about your interests, he may conclude you want to hear more.
The reason for waiting is that the talker might be pausing to organize her thoughts before continuing to talk.
No Partner: Listening Plus Summarizing. When the talker pauses for more than two or three seconds and you are ready to talk about your interests, summarize instead. If he resumes talking, continue listening. If he does not resume, talk.
The talker may feel encouraged to continue talking after knowing you understood his words. Or he may pause because he is not sure you want to hear more but is reluctant to ask. However, when you summarize his words instead of talk about your interests, he may conclude you want to hear more.
Do the exercises at a pace comfortable for you. For example, do No Partner: Listening Only for two to five minutes a day for a week. Then increase your time to six to ten minutes a day for the next week or two. Gradually do this exercise more often--to the limits of your tolerance for temporarily not thinking or talking about your interests.
These exercises are guidelines only. There are occasions when listening in conversations needs to be interrupted, such as answering a question the talker asks you, clarifying something the talker has said which is not clear to you, providing new information that helps the talker come to a more productive decision, and asking to change the topic or postpone discussion if the topic is upsetting to you.
These exercises are guidelines only. There are occasions when listening in conversations needs to be interrupted, such as answering a question the talker asks you, clarifying something the talker has said which is not clear to you, providing new information that helps the talker come to a more productive decision, and asking to change the topic or postpone discussion if the topic is upsetting to you.
Sourced from: Bookbinder, Lawrence J. 2005. Empathy, listening skills, and touching another's heart. Ch. 6. Controlling the urge to talk.
